Yeah, thanks great flood of May 4....that was the beginning of that derailment. I was doing SO good. SO, SO good. I was down 33 pounds. Key word: Was. I'm now up 11. Depressing, let down, disappointed...check, check, and check.
Between the flood, and now full-time summer babysitting, there's been no running. Actually, there have been a few times I've ran, but it's been a complete self-loathing kind of running, and it's not exactly encouraging of doing it again. Logically, I know this, but it doesn't stop me. There's been very little exercise. I've been busy rebuilding our lives, and taking care of children. By the time the kids that aren't mine go home, I have NO will to do anything, except for eat dinner, send my kids to bed, and then tuck myself in.
Are you ready for the excuses? Yeah, me either, but they're there. I am a morning runner, I NEED to run in the morning, before doing anything else. It encourages me throughout the day. When I run 2, 3, 4, or more miles, and I see how hard I worked, how many calories I burned, it encourages me to REALLY think about all other actions throughout the day. I've ran a few times in the evening, after Ryan is home, after my part-time kiddos ;) go home, and it ends in profanity, and lots of name calling (directed at myself, of course...it's no one else's fault I decided to do this to myself again.) I tried to force myself to wake up a couple hours early to run/shower before my part-time kiddos come over, but I just can't...or won't I guess. While not running/not working out, I just give up...pop? The more I can guzzle, the better! Chocolate cake? Why stop there, where's the chocolate candy bars? Diabetes, apparently I lied, and apparently, I am hoping to meet you one day...
I've just given up. I don't know where to start again. How did I used to run, cook, and clean?? Because I feel like right now, I can run...or I can cook...or I can clean. Then I want to nap for a couple of days. Depression has sunk in, for sure, but I can usually just power through it. Not so right now. I can't stop thinking about how, even if I start up right now, right this very instant...had I never stopped, I'd be SO FREAKING CLOSE to my goal.Within 20 pounds, no doubt. Now I'm 55 pounds from that goal. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I realize I have to stop looking at it that way, but I just can't. I feel like I'm going to have to wait until the kids are back in school in September to get back at this, and that's probably true. Less of an excuse, more of a reality.
However, just because I can't get back to my hardcore workout routine, doesn't mean I need to be horking down on all of the chocolate and pop I can muster. I'd probably still be making at least a bit of progress, if I could just let my will power in a little bit to slap the crap out of me, and force me to fill up my water bottle, instead of opening a can of pop. I'd probably still make some progress, if I wouldn't go back for seconds, or if I'd not eat chocolate like it was going out of style, or if I did even 20 jumping jacks....if I did something. How do I get back there? I can't be angry about the flood anymore...it's been 2 months now, but how do I get back there?
Yeah, I don't know, either, but I have to figure it out. I'm not giving up, I refuse....I just need to get back to actually believing that again. It might not happen until September, BUT, I CAN make better decisions NOW. Water, smaller portions, a few jumping jacks here, a few crunches there. Accountability, peeps, I need it. I don't want to do this anymore, I want May 3rd back, and I need to realize it's NEVER going to happen...and learn to move forward from there. Sigh.
Okay, whine-fest over. I'm ready to start over... :)
